Observations and Lessons Learned

As I spend my last night in western Ireland on this trip sitting in my room, eating a sixteen euro dinner consisting of baguette, salami, emmental cheese, and wine, I thought it might be a good time to share some of the tings (yes, tings) I've learned and/or noticed. It took me a few weeks to gather all of this very important data and I'm sharing it with you for free. You are welcome. You may thank me in the form of plane tickets back here to conduct more research.

Warning: if you're easily offended, this is not the post for you. Don't say I didn't tell you.

Here goes:
- You've heard me piss and moan about the Irishman's inability to measure distance on several occasions. I finally found a Mic who could adequately explain the phenomenon. I must credit Derry From Kerry, The Beer Man, with this brilliant unveiling.

The Irish Mile is a regular mile plus a little bit more, but often that "little bit more" is longer than the original mile.

- I recommend not ever asking for "a ride". I strongly suggest you ask for "a lift". A ride is something that refers to an act between two consenting adults and has nothing to do with a vehicle, unless of course you're still in high school are are NOT my daughter. I learned this lesson the hard way. Trust me. No asking for rides unless you're ready to be ridden. There is no getting around this.

- Irish men are prematurely grey. It's not a bad thing, because although it's obscenely unfair, we all know that salt and pepper hair can actually make a man even sexier, but it does not typically have the same effect for women. The vast majority of these boys are grey in their early turties (thirties). Is it the Guinness? I need to conduct more research.

- A proper Irish goodbye on a phone is a grand thing to witness. Both parties will say "no problem" at least twice, but usually three or four times, regardless of the content of their conversation. That will be followed with "bye, bye, bye" - said very quickly - when speaking with a casual acquaintance. When speaking with a close friend or family member, there must be at least five "byes". There are no exceptions to this rule and this only happens over the phone, not in person.

- The Irish are a horny lot. I could go on for pages on this topic, but I won't. Trust me. Viagra should be outlawed in Ireland because these Mics shouldn't have access to it. It's similar to giving diet pills to an anorexic. Guinness makes these men see double and feel single.

- Mayonnaise is a food group. It's served with chips (fries), roasted potatoes, sandwiches, cereal, toast, candy. Okay, maybe not that bad, but the amount of mayo in Irish cole slaw is unfreakingbelievable....and it's just fine with me.

- There are two sizes of Irishmen. Fit and trim or fat. There is nothing in between. I know this seems like a gross generalization, but I believe it to be quite accurate. There's a large contingency that runs and cycles religiously and then there's another that is allergic to exercise. I cannot apply this same generalization to the women of Ireland.

- Irish cheese puffs are not the same as American ones. I can't decide if they're good or not. More research is needed on the "Cheese flavor maize snacks".

- The speech of the Irish changes drastically when they are in groups. Speak to one Irishman and if you've an ear for it, you'll understand him fairly well. Let one of his mates join in and you might as well put in ear plugs. Not only do they speak much more rapidly, they throw in slang that most of us don't know, perhaps a few Irish words, and then some bullshit just to add to the confusion. The Irish are great tricksters and love to fuck with your head.